One Sows and Another Reaps

Thank you Cheryl Foston for this post. It holds deep meaning for me today….Timely and thought-provoking and it is so true! Often, WE FORGET. Every person who crosses our path helps, molds, and influences is one way or another. In times of plenty WE TEND TO FORGET, that we WERE all SUPPORTED in one way or another ALONG the way. Some are helped more than others, unfortunately. Too many take it for granted. But none of us can actually say that we didn’t get any help along the way. Be Blessed!

whatcherylsaid...

gratitudeHave you taken the time to acknowledge and thank those that have helped you along the way? No matter where you are in life, you didn’t get there all by yourself.

Everyone gets some type of help from those who have come before them, those who walk beside them, as well as those who follow them. There is no such thing as a self-made man or woman. Now, you may be tempted to say that you are a self-made man or woman, but before you do, go way back and think about all your teachers throughout your educational years. I am sure a couple of them helped you better understand a subject, which led to you graduating. Let’s not forget about your parents who taught and helped mold you to become the person you are today. Even if your parents weren’t the best parents, they still taught you something which…

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This and that, twixt and tween

miracles4

Monday, September 16

Hello y’all!

YES I am still here and I thought it was time for a post! I have spent the last few days doing a lot of praying and wracking my brains as to what to do next.

First off ….As of the this morning, just hours before this blogs five – month anniversary we hit the 200 follower mark! Now how is that for timing?

With that said, THANK YOU! ! Special thanks to those who have been quite faithful in offering friendship and encouragement. What a incredible experience this has been so far. IT TRULY has!

The irony is now, I find myself in a quagmire of sorts, mostly because my worldly woes still have me in a choke-hold and because of that, I got all caught up in the race, broke my own rules and in effect, created my own monster…. I believe it was out of my fear of failing BUT it did not allow me to properly appreciate or enjoy all the many blessings ( not all of which were monetary ) that have come our way in this process. Smiles. You all know who you are.

Perhaps at times, I came across as being TOO NEEDY, or GREEDY or EVEN Demanding! I have NO excuse other than desperation I guess !

And still ya’ll were so patient and kind with me!

Aside from that, life happens and offers its own stress , mood swings, and family disputes
( immediate and otherwise) . Just yesterday I deleted 30 FB friends over a squabble between my husband and one of his siblings. While I have managed to keep most of it off of this BLOG, it happens and it does side track me.

For that I apologize. It was NEVER my intent to turn this fundraiser into any kind of side show or cause hard feelings of any kind, so if I have PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

Which brings me to today.

We are mere hours from our 5- month Anniversary and still no doubt struggling and staring down deadlines.

Perhaps a brief sabbatical is in order so I can truly get my head and my heart in the right place. Perhaps God will see that I get one. 😛 I have come to realize that he and he ALONE has all the power. I know he will take care of us in his own way, and his own time. I am struggling with how this might relate to my own reasonings. I have some VERY high hopes for the transitioning of this blog too which I haven’t quite figured out. One thing for sure is you are going to be seeing a lot of changes around here.

Just know that we are not giving up! I still have a lot of hope, and faith in GOD,in myself and in the people I call friends. Yep, still EXPECTANT of a few more miracles. 🙂

Thank you ALL so VERY much and may God Bless You ALWAYS !

PS IF you do not see me blogging for a few days. Please NO WORRIES. I ‘ll be back! I can still be reached by traditional means. Our contact info is all over the blog.

Puppy Love and Prayer…

mildo

Meet Millie .. Truly the light of my life. I first met Millie when she was about six weeks old ( New Years Day 2012 ) when one neighbor wanted to give her to us. Because of our financial situation, I declined so my next door neighbor took her instead and basically, I had daily access to her and fell madly in love with this little critter.

Millie is no doubt a handful and when Millie went into her first heat, the neighbor’s husband started threatening to get rid of her. Ultimately, she moved next door to my house instead and since, she has brought us so much joy.

Millie is not only adorable, but she has such a great personality but as said she is a handful and gets into everything and would woof down a tin can if she thought she could manage it.

Several days ago I noted Millie, wasn’t feeling well. Nothing I could put my finger on at first. She just wasn’t her bouncy self. In the last couple of days, I noticed that her appetite was waning too and so I kept a close watch on her.

Yesterday, I surmised that we had a tummy ache ( probably constipated ) so I went to the feed store and bought one of the syringe-type feeders and some mineral oil.

Then went on poop patrol. Oh joy!

It broke my heart to watch her little eyes squint as the mineral oil started moving through her. She was somewhat listless one minute and chasing her tail the next ( no doubt, not at all pleased with this new sensation ) She didn’t like the remnants of the mineral oil that was messing up her ‘do’, either. She is so expressive too, and every once in awhile, I’d catch her giving me ‘that look’ like ‘what the hell, have you done to me mom. ‘ I felt terrible.

Nevertheless, the mineral oil seemed to have done the trick and though she just laid around for much of the day, I did get her to eat a little tiny bit of moist dog food and a little bit of soup broth with bits of ham ( she hates dog food ) she loves people food which is part of the problem I think. But when she turned her nose up a beef liver the other day, I really started worrying about my little girl.

Still, I was REALLY worried about dehydration because I never once saw her go to her water dish yesterday, nor the day before.

I worried about having to take her to the vet BECAUSE I could not afford to take her to the vet.

Last night, she came to bed with us, and wanted right in the middle …

Of course , we indulged her.

It was like sleeping with a sick toddler. I woke every few hours to check on her but she barely moved all night which worried me too.

This morning, I woke and usually she bounces up with me.

Not this morning so I picked her up and carried her out with me. She was lighter than usual, easily by a few pounds.

Usually she squirms impatiently, waiting for me to tinkle so she can go outside for her morning walk. Today she just stood there looking up at me, licking her lips like someone just waking up from surgery with a bad case of cotton mouth.

And no accidents on the floor either. And trust me, that is not MY Millie.

I decided to try the syringe again ( this time with water) to hydrate her.

She would not have it. And squirmed fiercely to get away from me and “IT”

She then paced back in the living room giving that look again.

Now I was really WORRIED and said a prayer for Millie.

Just as soon as I finished and looked up, she was rounding the bend near the end of the couch, looking back at me suspiciously BUT WAS headed for the water bowl where she took a nice healthy drink.

Whew! Thank you Lord!

Familial

unique

No … I don’t really expect every one to understand my journey or the people in it. Many have urged me to move on. That these ancient family connections don’t exist for me anymore. Oh but they do! This has never been so apparent before in my life.

Friday evening, I went to bed early and fell fast asleep which is rare these days. At right before midnight, my dear husband sat gingerly on the side of my bed and did his best to wake me without causing alarm. He put a hand on my shoulder and shook me gently.

“Honey.. wake up babe. I need to talk to you. Listen, we just got a call, from Stephanie. She wants you to call her. Sarra died.”

Sarra ( not spelled the same ) but also the name of one of my daughter-in-laws who recently learned of a blood clot on her lung.

That’s when my eyes popped open and searched his face for reassurance that my grandkid’s mother was alive and well .

Praise GOd…. Sara’s fine!

In my waking FOG I heard him clearly. But none of it rang true. Surely a hoax? A bit of really bad dramatic revenge, orchestrated by a few in the ‘family’ to stir things up with another part of the family ?

“Stephanie who? What did you say? ”

I stumbled down the hall, with my husband close behind me to steady me as I waited for the circulation to return to my legs.

I slumped on the couch.

What now? Start from the beginning?

Patiently, he explained himself again slowly.

What did Tommy post?

Then he put coffee water on and handed me the phone.

Hello Stephanie. This is Sherry. What’s going on?

“Aunt Sherry, Sarra’s dead!”

What do you mean Sarra’s dead? I was just chatting with her earlier.

IS this a hoax? I demanded.

Talking to my niece, a stranger to me!

I heard her voice CRACK, and then soft crying.

I heard, through her mumbling ( and my husband’s chattering ) another voice in the background. It was her husband relaying the information he was reading off the internet.

“No, it’s not a hoax, I am afraid! My husband is reading the article now. Do you know how to reach Uncle TJ?”

OMG! TJ doesn’t know? I felt horrible.

This brief interaction with ‘my niece’ began a strange odyssey, of familial connection, and reconnections. An estranged family, of adoptees, exes, ex in-laws and misfits coming together in anger, love and in grief over a life cut short.

I spent the first 5-6 hours in FB chat trying to make sense of it. Speaking to a slough of nieces who I didn’t even know.

Reading POST after POST of information, misinformation, tributes and written assaults from another part of the family.

A remix of pain, disbelief and anger.

Decidedly UNDERSTANDABLE.

Tommy ( my step son) was flying down from the northeast.

He was not responding to anyone.

TJ. My biggest concern was missing.

Suddenly I FELT that I was sought after as the pillar of strength, the voice of reason, a source of information for ALL CONCERNED.

It didn’t MATTER that I felt completely unworthy of the challenge. I tried never-the-less.

I also had to contact MY OWN children and share this news. They , took it well and rallied to support me.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

TJ. My biggest concern was missing. I worried that he’d find out his youngest child, and only daughter was dead on Facebook.

I dared NOT voice those concerns publicly. The ‘other side’ of this clan were being vocal enough about it. Besides, I did not want to shut down the lines of communication by pissing someone off.

I kept most of those feelings to myself.

As for TJ, who was already struggling with his own disheveled life, would go over the edge with this news, I was certain .

He did in fact learn of his daughters death on Facebook sometime Saturday morning.

Thankfully, he LOST IT in a public place, and the police were called as well as local friends who consoled him. Tommy was close behind.

But no one knew this until later on in the day.

Once I could no longer hold my eyes open, I laid down for a few hours.

When I woke, I had several messages on my FB book page and in private messages.

One was from TJ.

Later, yesterday evening, I got a message from TJs first wife ( I was his second)

TJ was with Tommy and they were on their way to Port St Lucie to her home after trying to connect ALL DAY .

Whewwwwwwwwwww. I was relieved. Besides thinking that it was very kind of her to relay that message to me. I thanked her.

Funny, from that point on, the family broached this fact gently to me.

“Did you hear? TJ is with Pam. Did you know that?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at their transparency. I knew they MUST be thinking the same about myself, and our strange but long-lasting alliance.

HA! Like it would really matter to me that he was with his ex- EX. lol

I was just glad he was safe.

Later my phone rang.

It was TJ. Tommy and HIS mother could be heard in the background talking.

TJ seemed OK but kind of numb-sounding.

He just wanted to keep me informed as to where he was and his side of the story as to the events of the last painful 24 hours .

I was so glad to hear from him.

Knew that no harm would come to him with Tommy watching over him.

I took a deep breath when I got off the phone.

I made dinner and my husband and I settled back into our evening.

This saga is long from over.

Especially for those closest to the events.

I am SO amazed that my husband was so supportive through it all.

Noone in My own BIRTH family ( other than my children ) have responded.

Several good friends did come forward and offered to help me as I processed this information.

One friend helped me make phone calls.

Several others left condolences on my FB page.

From what TJ told me last night. Today, himself and Tommy will start making funeral arrangements.

I still don’t know if I will be able to go BUT plan to if at all possible. Depends, on if I can secure a train ticket and a safe place to stay for at least one night.

My husband have given me his blessings in my decision to attend if I am able.

I think that the one thing I learned from all this IS just because a divorce occurs, doesn’t mean you simply disappear from a family’s roster.

I just can’t walk away and pretend this part of my life, never existed.

Though for awhile I thought I could.

That I was FORGOTTEN by tiny little girls and pretty pink dresses. My only memory of these NOW grown women who still call me Aunt Sherry ( and in doing brought tears to my eyes and made the hair stand up on the back of my neck)

Yes LIFE indeed goes on ( but whether I am present or not ) or ( like it OR not ) I am still a part of theirs.

And as strange as it may seem , I’m OK with that.

I also find comfort in knowing that something good is coming from Sarra’s death.

For those who don’t understand this connection with my past, Oh well, that’s on them!

Hugs!

Thanks to my blogging friends for all the kind words and support.

God Bless You All!

Follow-up to Horrible News ( this mornings post )

horribnews

TJ is the father of five including my two sons , from three marriages. His daughter ( not mine ) is the youngest from the last marriage.

Following?

By the time Sarra was born he seemed to have it together. He has expressed to me that Sarra saved his life with her very existence. And in the end she was all he had left.

ALOT on this poor girl’s shoulders .

In the last six years, they lost his mom, her mom, and her mom’s mother. Her older, maternal half-sister is sitting in the Florida State prison.

Still with me?

Anyway, to put it mildly, TJ and Sarra were very close ( albeit not the healthiest of relationships) She has some developmental disabilities so is not always thinking right. They bring out the worst in each other and it’s a lot for this 22 year old to deal with . She gets a disability check and all that.

Last year, he lost his job and was forced to sell his home ( a condo )

Sarra moved in with her boyfriend’s parents temporarily.

TJ moved into a hotel temporarily.

And somehow blew through $12,000.00 in like 6 weeks time,

Later they both moved in with my ex sister-in-law but only for a few weeks and were asked to leave .

TJ used to his mom bailing him out of everything, LOST IT!

In and out of hospitals, overmedicated, under medicated. Nervous breakdowns.

He has also burned a lot of bridges in his life.

Oh well. He is still a human being and my children’s father.

I have always tried to keep the communication open and friendly because of the kids.

Yesterday this poor man lost his only daughter.

She was struck by a car while riding a bike and trying to cross a busy street.

He has no way to communicate with anyone except at the public library computers and Facebook.

He has been pretty transient, with no permanent place to stay while he waits for a workers comp check which is due any minute.

I know Tommy (my step son) flew to South Florida today to help his dad.

Sarra’s boyfriend, is taking messages.

I had to share this news with my own kids today who never really knew their dad, let alone their half sister.

Do I feel loyalties towards this man STILL?

Yes I DO! Although I am not sure why.

As well as I am in touch with various members of this rather large extended family of ours.

The calls started coming in last night, I have two hours sleep since then.

This is another time I’d like to BE THERE to help HIM with arrangements etc. BUT I Can’t! 😦

I would if I could though.

Some don’t understand this.

He messaged me a little while ago on FB and he was at the public library waiting for Tommy to arrive.

Information is sketchy. BUT my heart breaks for him.

Please pray for him. He needs all the prayers he can get right now.

Thank you all and God Bless.

PS. If you’d like to read the news article, the link is in the blog post below.