“Feast or famine that’s the way of the world. The difference between those who perish and those who survive is faith that the sun rises again tomorrow….”

I woke today to find this quote on my stepson’s FB page. TC is a man of few words usually. He been through a lot in his 38 years and usually quite stoic so I was quite surprised to see it.

I don’t know if he wrote it or not, and I have yet to research its origins …… and No, I don’t feel it was aimed at me. He is dealing with his own battles right now and finding the bitter taste of humble pie intolerable , as well TRYING to be there for his father TJ ( who is also in crisis ) which is next to impossible. Trust me, I know.

I remember the last time my stepson and I had meaningful conversation several months ago, we were on the phone for hours and it was nice to catch up.

His parting words were ” I believe your faith will get you through this!”

“Mom” he said. I can hear it in your voice, this deep abiding spirituality. You’re going to be ok.”

I could hear the LOVE ( and dare I say, smile) in his voice as he said it.

I can’t explain it, but I was beaming with pride in that instant. That this kid ( not a kid anymore , who I raised for five years when I was just a kid myself, had so much insight. That some of my beliefs had rubbed off on him. Heck, I did something RIGHT!!!

Anyway, his insights were RIGHT ON about me.

I have lived much of my journey powered on little more than faith. This way of thinking has gotten me through a lot of todays and tomorrows ( especially in the last two years )

Today I woke AGAIN ( like I do most days ) with hope in a new day.

But I am weary! So very weary! And worried….. and stressed!

And the DAY is long from over.

I have lost so much of my worldly possessions, I can’t afford to lose my faith too, because that is the only thing keeping me going at this moment.

Thanks so much for listening.

Waiting… :/

control

The interview went well is all I can say and I was told I’d hear from them later today or tomorrow. Waiting is hard. Yes I do believe I have a few control issues, although less than I used to. IF the last two years has taught me anything is that I ( or should I say ‘we”) really have very little control in the overall scheme. HARD HARD lesson for me. One I still struggle with on a daily basis.

Anyway, it is a production job and pay is based on production. But with a guarantee of minimum wage but I can make as much as $15 a hour with 15 appointments a week. I will work 7 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week. Oh and weekly pay. So IF I started Friday, I’d get paid for at least three days next Friday.

I wish I had more definitive news to share with y’all.

With that said, Job or no job, your donations are still very much needed and appreciated.

I guess I am trying to stress that IF I get the job, the needs will shift again to gas money ( or running money and such until I get a paycheck or two under my belt. .

ALSO , please continue to send positive vibes this way.

Gosh, I need this job so much.

Thank you all so VERY VERY much. We are so VERY grateful for all the friendship and support sent our way.

And for a few of you, thank you so VERY MUCH for having so much faith in me! It means more than you could ever imagine.

All But Homeless is a personal fundraiser to help us recover from financial ruin and We still need your help. Donations needed and greatly appreciated. Thank you for your kind support and continued support.

GOD BLESS!

~ C

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https://allbuthomeless.wordpress.com/donations-welcome/

Image Credit :I am proud of my heart, it’s been played, cheated and broken but it still works!

Puppy Love and Prayer…

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Meet Millie .. Truly the light of my life. I first met Millie when she was about six weeks old ( New Years Day 2012 ) when one neighbor wanted to give her to us. Because of our financial situation, I declined so my next door neighbor took her instead and basically, I had daily access to her and fell madly in love with this little critter.

Millie is no doubt a handful and when Millie went into her first heat, the neighbor’s husband started threatening to get rid of her. Ultimately, she moved next door to my house instead and since, she has brought us so much joy.

Millie is not only adorable, but she has such a great personality but as said she is a handful and gets into everything and would woof down a tin can if she thought she could manage it.

Several days ago I noted Millie, wasn’t feeling well. Nothing I could put my finger on at first. She just wasn’t her bouncy self. In the last couple of days, I noticed that her appetite was waning too and so I kept a close watch on her.

Yesterday, I surmised that we had a tummy ache ( probably constipated ) so I went to the feed store and bought one of the syringe-type feeders and some mineral oil.

Then went on poop patrol. Oh joy!

It broke my heart to watch her little eyes squint as the mineral oil started moving through her. She was somewhat listless one minute and chasing her tail the next ( no doubt, not at all pleased with this new sensation ) She didn’t like the remnants of the mineral oil that was messing up her ‘do’, either. She is so expressive too, and every once in awhile, I’d catch her giving me ‘that look’ like ‘what the hell, have you done to me mom. ‘ I felt terrible.

Nevertheless, the mineral oil seemed to have done the trick and though she just laid around for much of the day, I did get her to eat a little tiny bit of moist dog food and a little bit of soup broth with bits of ham ( she hates dog food ) she loves people food which is part of the problem I think. But when she turned her nose up a beef liver the other day, I really started worrying about my little girl.

Still, I was REALLY worried about dehydration because I never once saw her go to her water dish yesterday, nor the day before.

I worried about having to take her to the vet BECAUSE I could not afford to take her to the vet.

Last night, she came to bed with us, and wanted right in the middle …

Of course , we indulged her.

It was like sleeping with a sick toddler. I woke every few hours to check on her but she barely moved all night which worried me too.

This morning, I woke and usually she bounces up with me.

Not this morning so I picked her up and carried her out with me. She was lighter than usual, easily by a few pounds.

Usually she squirms impatiently, waiting for me to tinkle so she can go outside for her morning walk. Today she just stood there looking up at me, licking her lips like someone just waking up from surgery with a bad case of cotton mouth.

And no accidents on the floor either. And trust me, that is not MY Millie.

I decided to try the syringe again ( this time with water) to hydrate her.

She would not have it. And squirmed fiercely to get away from me and “IT”

She then paced back in the living room giving that look again.

Now I was really WORRIED and said a prayer for Millie.

Just as soon as I finished and looked up, she was rounding the bend near the end of the couch, looking back at me suspiciously BUT WAS headed for the water bowl where she took a nice healthy drink.

Whew! Thank you Lord!

Familial

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No … I don’t really expect every one to understand my journey or the people in it. Many have urged me to move on. That these ancient family connections don’t exist for me anymore. Oh but they do! This has never been so apparent before in my life.

Friday evening, I went to bed early and fell fast asleep which is rare these days. At right before midnight, my dear husband sat gingerly on the side of my bed and did his best to wake me without causing alarm. He put a hand on my shoulder and shook me gently.

“Honey.. wake up babe. I need to talk to you. Listen, we just got a call, from Stephanie. She wants you to call her. Sarra died.”

Sarra ( not spelled the same ) but also the name of one of my daughter-in-laws who recently learned of a blood clot on her lung.

That’s when my eyes popped open and searched his face for reassurance that my grandkid’s mother was alive and well .

Praise GOd…. Sara’s fine!

In my waking FOG I heard him clearly. But none of it rang true. Surely a hoax? A bit of really bad dramatic revenge, orchestrated by a few in the ‘family’ to stir things up with another part of the family ?

“Stephanie who? What did you say? ”

I stumbled down the hall, with my husband close behind me to steady me as I waited for the circulation to return to my legs.

I slumped on the couch.

What now? Start from the beginning?

Patiently, he explained himself again slowly.

What did Tommy post?

Then he put coffee water on and handed me the phone.

Hello Stephanie. This is Sherry. What’s going on?

“Aunt Sherry, Sarra’s dead!”

What do you mean Sarra’s dead? I was just chatting with her earlier.

IS this a hoax? I demanded.

Talking to my niece, a stranger to me!

I heard her voice CRACK, and then soft crying.

I heard, through her mumbling ( and my husband’s chattering ) another voice in the background. It was her husband relaying the information he was reading off the internet.

“No, it’s not a hoax, I am afraid! My husband is reading the article now. Do you know how to reach Uncle TJ?”

OMG! TJ doesn’t know? I felt horrible.

This brief interaction with ‘my niece’ began a strange odyssey, of familial connection, and reconnections. An estranged family, of adoptees, exes, ex in-laws and misfits coming together in anger, love and in grief over a life cut short.

I spent the first 5-6 hours in FB chat trying to make sense of it. Speaking to a slough of nieces who I didn’t even know.

Reading POST after POST of information, misinformation, tributes and written assaults from another part of the family.

A remix of pain, disbelief and anger.

Decidedly UNDERSTANDABLE.

Tommy ( my step son) was flying down from the northeast.

He was not responding to anyone.

TJ. My biggest concern was missing.

Suddenly I FELT that I was sought after as the pillar of strength, the voice of reason, a source of information for ALL CONCERNED.

It didn’t MATTER that I felt completely unworthy of the challenge. I tried never-the-less.

I also had to contact MY OWN children and share this news. They , took it well and rallied to support me.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

TJ. My biggest concern was missing. I worried that he’d find out his youngest child, and only daughter was dead on Facebook.

I dared NOT voice those concerns publicly. The ‘other side’ of this clan were being vocal enough about it. Besides, I did not want to shut down the lines of communication by pissing someone off.

I kept most of those feelings to myself.

As for TJ, who was already struggling with his own disheveled life, would go over the edge with this news, I was certain .

He did in fact learn of his daughters death on Facebook sometime Saturday morning.

Thankfully, he LOST IT in a public place, and the police were called as well as local friends who consoled him. Tommy was close behind.

But no one knew this until later on in the day.

Once I could no longer hold my eyes open, I laid down for a few hours.

When I woke, I had several messages on my FB book page and in private messages.

One was from TJ.

Later, yesterday evening, I got a message from TJs first wife ( I was his second)

TJ was with Tommy and they were on their way to Port St Lucie to her home after trying to connect ALL DAY .

Whewwwwwwwwwww. I was relieved. Besides thinking that it was very kind of her to relay that message to me. I thanked her.

Funny, from that point on, the family broached this fact gently to me.

“Did you hear? TJ is with Pam. Did you know that?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at their transparency. I knew they MUST be thinking the same about myself, and our strange but long-lasting alliance.

HA! Like it would really matter to me that he was with his ex- EX. lol

I was just glad he was safe.

Later my phone rang.

It was TJ. Tommy and HIS mother could be heard in the background talking.

TJ seemed OK but kind of numb-sounding.

He just wanted to keep me informed as to where he was and his side of the story as to the events of the last painful 24 hours .

I was so glad to hear from him.

Knew that no harm would come to him with Tommy watching over him.

I took a deep breath when I got off the phone.

I made dinner and my husband and I settled back into our evening.

This saga is long from over.

Especially for those closest to the events.

I am SO amazed that my husband was so supportive through it all.

Noone in My own BIRTH family ( other than my children ) have responded.

Several good friends did come forward and offered to help me as I processed this information.

One friend helped me make phone calls.

Several others left condolences on my FB page.

From what TJ told me last night. Today, himself and Tommy will start making funeral arrangements.

I still don’t know if I will be able to go BUT plan to if at all possible. Depends, on if I can secure a train ticket and a safe place to stay for at least one night.

My husband have given me his blessings in my decision to attend if I am able.

I think that the one thing I learned from all this IS just because a divorce occurs, doesn’t mean you simply disappear from a family’s roster.

I just can’t walk away and pretend this part of my life, never existed.

Though for awhile I thought I could.

That I was FORGOTTEN by tiny little girls and pretty pink dresses. My only memory of these NOW grown women who still call me Aunt Sherry ( and in doing brought tears to my eyes and made the hair stand up on the back of my neck)

Yes LIFE indeed goes on ( but whether I am present or not ) or ( like it OR not ) I am still a part of theirs.

And as strange as it may seem , I’m OK with that.

I also find comfort in knowing that something good is coming from Sarra’s death.

For those who don’t understand this connection with my past, Oh well, that’s on them!

Hugs!

Thanks to my blogging friends for all the kind words and support.

God Bless You All!